The Air Has Gone Out: Whoopee Cushion United Lays Off 14,000
NEW YORK — In a move that has left the prank industry reeling, Whoopee Cushion United LLC announced today that it is laying off 14,000 employees effective immediately. The announcement comes after two consecutive quarterly reports showing catastrophic losses, sending the company’s stock plummeting from a 2017 high of $325.58 per share down to a dismal $9.54 before a minor uptick to $10.12 following the news.
In an exclusive interview with Russell News, CEO Whoopee Goldberg (who is not related to the famous actress and comedian) offered a blunt assessment of the company’s decline. "People are just not pranking other people like they used to," Goldberg lamented from his office, which was noticeably missing the usual assortment of novelty noise-makers. "While in the past everyone thought farts were funny, today nobody thinks it's very funny. The culture has shifted."
Goldberg pointed to changing entertainment trends as the primary catalyst for the company's downfall. "The only thing that makes people laugh these days are parodies of songs from K-Pop Demon Hunters. If you aren't producing a cushion that plays a bass-boosted, accordion-style cover of their greatest hits, you're irrelevant."
Market analysts are calling it the 'Silent But Deadly' recession. Investors, who had hoped for a rebound after the company’s recent 'Taco Bell Inspired' scent-line launch, were left disappointed. One analyst noted, "We were hoping for a major market recovery, but the stock just let out a long, pathetic squeak instead of a boom."
The company plans to pivot its remaining assets toward developing 'K-Pop-Off' interactive cushions, though industry experts remain skeptical that this will be enough to save the once-dominant prank giant. Also, the company is struggling to get a license for this idea that many are calling, "Just plain stupid".